Or maybe I am. Idunno these days.

It makes me sad to think that I haven't been on deviantART for almost a month. I've neglected my artwork, my friends, my fans [if I have any], and basically myself. This month isn't the greatest for me. I've lost touch with so many people, and I don't really have anything to say for myself on the matter. I don't really have any excuse.

I'm in a rough spot. Stuck between a rock and a wall, and I can't kick out of it. My emotions are all over the place, and I haven't felt like this for a few years. I'm not liking it. I'm crying more often, over stupid little things, getting pissed off at my "friends" because they're acting like complete idiots. The Tard Group has gotten too sexual for my tastes, and that says something, considering I'm basically the most perverted out of them all. I may not be all that physically perverted, going after everyone like some of the people I know, but I'm psychically perverted. You can't stop my thoughts from running into the sewer.

I don't know what I was going to do or where I was going to with this journal. It's kind of an update on my life slash a deeper look into my thoughts and feelings. I think my hormones are just running out of control. I'm involved with someone, but not really, and then again, I am. It sucks to be on that precipice of indecision. I know and acknowledge him as my boyfriend, or I think I do, but I don't know what he thinks about the whole thing. We've talked about it before, but that was a while ago. Relationships just suck in general. And so do boys.

I think I've gotten through every emotion in the book twice or more in the last few weeks of November, and even the last week of October. Emotions suck too, in my opinion, especially when they're used to hurt and not soothe or make one feel better. Crying doesn't help me feel better. It just makes me feel like shit. I don't like to cry. I don't like to cry in front of people, especially those who don't understand what I'm crying over, and what I need to make me stop crying.

Wednesday was Veterans Day. My high school had an assembly the first period of the day, including both seniors and juniors. The freshmen and sophomores would have their assembly the second period. I have homeroom with Michael, and we both walked down to the theater, but instead of going in, we checked to see if the control booth was unlocked, and it was. We went up and sat with Mr. Williard, only we sat on the other side of the control booth. I was quiet the whole time the assembly was going on, Michael sitting about 3 feet away from me. At one point, one of the teachers stood up to read a letter she wrote back to her family while she was on duty in the Middle East. I knew the teacher somewhat because she was Ty's American History teacher last year, and I would visit him during my free period. Mrs. Dwulit was a really nice woman, young, with two children. She stood up at the podium and began reading her letter. It was comforting, something you'd write to soothe your family's fears. She began to cry, and I started to cry too. Nothing before that point had bothered me or made me sad until now.

When she finished reading her letter, she stopped crying, but I hadn't. It was uncontrollable. I cried slowly, and I sat there wiping my eyes. Then there was a short video, of what I don't know, I couldn't see through the tears, but they played the one Nickleback song where they sang "I love you, I've loved you all along". I started to cry harder. I was almost sobbing. Michael asked me what was wrong and I couldn't say anything. I had started to think about all the things I didn't have, about Michael, and about my dad. The last time I saw him, he'd said he wanted to join the army, if only to get us money. I cried so much, and I couldn't open my eyes. My head was lowered, and I was still crying when Michael moved closer to me. I think he knelt down. He started to rub my leg, as if to comfort me, and all I could think but not say was "I just want to be held." He asked what was wrong again, and I told him what I was thinking, that Mrs. Dwulit's letter was sad, and that I started thinking about my dad.

He sat with me for another minute, saying nothing while I tried to stop crying. Then he got up and left me to sit there, and I just wanted to cry more. Instead I stopped, and then I got my stuff together because it was almost time to go. I said goodbye to Mr. Williard and Mr. Froelich who'd come up to videotape, and then I went back down the stairs and out into the hallway. My face was wet and red, and I still couldn't see, but I walked with my head up all the way to English.

And I still didn't get to be held at all that day. Alex hugged me during Japanese, but it wasn't enough. I started crying again when I told my twin about what happened when we were in my art class, and the other Alex was there. This Alex sits next to Michael in Forensic Chem right after art class, and she apparently told him that I was still upset, and he asked if I was feeling better at lunch. I still felt pretty shitty, but I didn't tell him that it was partly his fault. It was mine, too. I usually keep quiet when it's better to speak, and I usually speak when I'm better off shutting up.

But yeah. Emotions suck. That's basically been my life this month. Crying, depression, jealousy, boredom, confusion, rage, sadness, starvation. I'm basically starving myself. I need attention, crave it, but I don't want to seek it out myself. I want people to really LOOK at me and ask what I need, and bug me no matter what I say, until I say what I'm feeling. I want them to sit next to me, to hold me, to hug me, to grab my hand and not let go, to let me lay my head on their shoulder, to actually make me cry in front of them, make me admit defeat. That is the one thing I hate, feeling defeated, helpless. Crying, to me, is a weakness, and I have my pride and don't want to show anyone that I can fall. The ones who love me will make me fall, and hold me when I do. I want to be touched, and then I don't. There are times when I want to be left alone, even though I know I need to have some level of physical comfort, someone to be there, if only for that warmth. I want silence, but I want noise. I confuse myself.

I need to feel loved. I hear my friends tell me they love me. I know they do, but I don't see it. The same with Michael. I don't know what my friends think. I don't know what he thinks. He's screwed me up in a lot of ways. Some are good, some are bad. He makes me angry, he pisses me off, he brings out all these emotions in me. But, he makes me laugh, and he distracts me from things at home and he makes me feel...Idunno. He makes me feel good about myself, and he makes me feel things I haven't felt before. I like being with him, being close to him, but we don't have that "snuggle" relationship. It would be nice if we did. I like it when we hold hands, and when we sit next to each other, but it doesn't happen as often as I wish it. I spend enough time at his house that I'm starting to wonder when I'll be kicked out.

It's peculiar. I'm just a teenager, even though I feel so much older. I'd like what we have now to last as long as it can, and I don't want to jinx anything, but now that I've said that, I know something will go wrong. That's the kind of luck I have.

And that's my relationship life, in a nutshell. There are a lot more "Fuck you's" that aren't being revealed, but this was just something I needed to write in order to get what I feel now out. I feel so tired these days. Nothing I want to do really. I want to eat, obviously, and do things, but I just don't have the energy or the motivation. I haven't written anything for my Nano in days. I'm at 15,333 words, and I'm supposed to be over 20k by now. Way over. But I just haven't felt up to writing. Or reading. I've had Chapter 21 of The Accidental Therapist sitting in a tab in my browser for over a week and I haven't read it. I haven't even downloaded or read any new yaoi. It's gotten to that point. It's so sad.

But I still hate Bookface, only now I'm addicted to Restaurant City. GAWD I HATE THIS LOVE/HATE RELATIONSHIP WITH EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING. At least I still love my music. For now >.>;;;